Choose Life

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life…

Mark Renton – Trainspotting

Truer words were never spoken. As it happens I do need a new job as I’m facing a bit of a career crisis at the moment, if anyone cares. And a “fucking big television” “leisurewear” and “dental insurance” would be nice too. It’s Monday afternoon and I’m reflecting on life, wondering “who-am-I-and-where-is-life-headed”.

So.. then what? We have a series of problems, get over some and deal with a new set of problems? Move from job to job, settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids, grow old, die? I remember when I was 15, my grades were SO important to me. And now it’s a decade and a half later and that’s meaningless and a better job is THE most important thing. And then, when I’m 40, getting my kids into great schools will be the biggest deal. Is this a checklist and we keep ticking things off until there’s nothing left to tick off anymore?

I know this is a depressing rant but I really want to know if anyone has figured out their shit at all? I really want to know, who on God’s green earth has it all put together (and can we have some pointers please). I want to speak to someone whose written an inspirational quotes book and ask them WHERE their little gems came from. The “dance in the rain” and “live life in the moment” variety. What do you guys see that I don’t see because I am desperate to know. How do I live life in the moment? How do I stop stressing about the shitty job, and the marriage dilemma and the family drama?

Any thoughts? Any ideas? I am rotting away, so to speak, as we speak.

Advertisements

(I’m afraid of) Life, the universe and everything..

phobia –noun

“a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it”.

 

I have a friend who turns deathly pale if a bird flies too close to the car, or circles overhead if we’re chilling on the roof.. and I don’t mean in a glamorous Tippi Hedren sort of way. She just freezes up and stops breathing.. it’s really kind of fascinating. And once she’s safely seen that the birds are out of sight it takes her about a second to snap back to “Yeah, what was I saying?”

 

So I was just trying to be a good friend and I started reading up on “fear of birds” (officially known as “Ornithophobia“) when I came across pages and pages of the darnedest stuff. There’s a phobia for everything under the sun – literally, it’s known as Panophobia. Also, a phobia of the sun – known as Heliophobia. A lot of it sounds like some bored, jobless IT loony designed a website and made up a fear of “everything and YO MAMA”. But apparently this stuff really exists, so here they are, some of my favorites:

 

Levophobia: “Fear of objects to the left side of the body”

Dextrophobia: “Fear of objects to the right side of the body”

 

What if you used to be one of the above but are now an Amnesiac? You could potentially spend all day chasing the other half of your body around, trying to recall which was the evil half! Weeeeee!

 

And I thought my life had no direction. Hah.

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: “The fear of long words”. Oh dear.. a moment of silence for the death of all bad jokes and the person responsible for this name.

 

Plutophobia: “Fear of wealth”. Man. I never meet the right people.. I need to befriend some plutophobes!

 

Catagelophobia: “Fear of being ridiculed”. Uh, you mean having some self respect? Damn, I think I got one!

 

Monopathophobia:– “Fear of definite disease”. Hate to state the obvious but, “As opposed to a vague one?” Apparently, yes.

 

Anyway, there’s practically dozens of umm, sillier ones, but I’m going to ‘fess up and throw in mine. I’m terrified of dead animals. No, not like the kid in The Sixth Sense who sees dead people, I’m actually scared of dead animal carcasses and I see the damn things everywhere! Honestly, on average I notice about 1 -2 dead animals per week just lying about in the middle of the road obviously uh.. disfigured from the uh.. anyway, let’s not get carried away. Once, as sure as eggs is eggs, I saw a dead cow in the middle of the road. Thankfully I had not learnt how to drive in those days and my driver just swerved to the left and muttered something to the effect of  “What will become of this country?”

 

It was REAL, I swear! (Picture courtesy: Rida Shariq)

 

Oh, and finally! Found something remotely useful! Syngenesophobia – A fear of relatives! Ta-DAH! Of course, this only applies to the ones I don’t particularly wish to see just then 😉 The awesome ones, I still love you guys! ♥

 

People who REALLY should’ve gotten some business advice first…

Now I’m no Warren Buffet, but at times there’s some stores/companies you wanna walk into and shake the owner’s hand for a job so thoroughly messed up! Here are some recent gems I’ve come across:

Pizza One – Big & Better!

Back on Great Customer Demand! Really!

Well, you’ve got to give them props for doing a thorough competitor analysis (or not). After a near escape law suit with Dominoes (“We have BIGGER pizzas you pieces of pie! Try making your food, we dunno, delicious or something?” They toyed around with the idea of  “The pizza with the MOST onions in town” but Pizza Next stepped in to pick a fight..hence.) Pizza One had to settle for trying to sell their “product”. I mean, who cares about value for money.. I’ll take big, if its better than bigger!

BingO!

Okay so most of you may not have heard of this great product since it’s not like world famous or anything, but it’s getting there. This is a notebook company, and they’re all the rage.

 

BingO! EEEEK!

 

And hereeeee’s what they proudly proclaim on the back of their product: (It’s such a masterpiece that it needs to be reproduced in text AND image!)

“V are proud! it was possible only b.coz of U. Another trend”

 

Only Rs. 45! 100 pgs! Hurrrrry!

It’s a notebook for Chrissake! Nobody won an Oscar or saved dying children! And if you’re manufacturing stationery you’d think they’d promote good writing habits. V and U made me grimace, b.coz brought on the shudders, but the real kicker, of course, was “Another trend”. I mean, lets be honest, we all know we rushed to the stores to stock up right? I only need 5 more colors and my collection will stand complete! Yee haw!

De Attire

NO, I DON’T think so! Maybe you ought to buy me dinner first?!

I will NOT De Attire! Get some business advice woman!

WHERE did this woman go to business school? Or any school? Did she read one of those “8 minute MBA – things they don’t teach you at business school” (YEAH, for a reason!) books?  Was she high? Was this a dare.. and the more important question is, what does she sell?!

Seriously, sheeeeeeeeeesh. But hey, we should all feel THIS much smarter now!

Singin’ in the Rain

    "I´m singin´ in the rain
     Just singin´ in the rain,
     What a glorious feeling,
     And I´m happy again."
       Frank Sinatra - Singing in the Rain

Warning: Proceed with caution. This post may really annoy people who did not have an utterly wonderful childhood, walk off into the sunset holding hands this valentines, or get their annual bonuses.

Okay I’m just messing.. but there shall be high spirits galore. So don’t say I didn’t warn you!

First things first: Why was I in such high spirits? Because today was the MOST beautiful morning I have seen in my entire life.

Pause for dramatic effect.

(Diditworkdiditwork?)

No..o? IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

O-kay, I think I’m going to have to describe it. I know the scoffers, who will be like “Shoot me now” and “Who gives a pony’s doody about the morning sky!?!?” (I know because that would generally be me. No, honestly! Read something else I’ve written! I’m queen of gloom/my life sucks/ oh look THEIR life sucks teehee such fun). But for you scoffers today, all I’ve gotta say is:

But really.. this morning was one of those where anti depressants go hiding in shame! I couldn’t tear myself away from the window. The most beautiful sky, gorgeous winds and a very light drizzle. That’s all the justice I can do to it without sounding sickening even though I really was sickeningly happy, (which is something I’m only admitting now because at the time I was just bursting with the whole OOMPH! of it) I think the only reason I didn’t break into song and begin to dance was probably a) lack of costume & props b) another couple of nuts to do it with.

The rest of the day just fell into place.. even when it didn’t. Okay, okay, so the corniness has taken me over and I’m like a big ball of mush right now..SO SUE ME!

Well, I think I held out pretty well actually. The day held major potential for disaster at one point or the other but the the awesomeness of the morning woneth over! For instance, around 11 am I heard a small “rrriiip” around my left pant thigh. “Darn” I thought. “I’ll have to hold my kameez strategically to cover this rip all day today. Thank GOD for Pakistani dressing/long shirts!”  During the course of the day this “little” rip developed into a “not so little” rip..I drove, climbed stairs, the rip got bigger and bigger..around 8 pm it was the sheer awesomeness of the day holding the fabric together, I kid you not. (Haha I love how this is something I can unashamedly admit over the internet! Bless relative anonymity! Oh darn..my blog has my name doesn’t it? Meh.) But wait for it… nobody noticed a gaping hole the size of Japan in the back of my pants! Not even Ms. Goody two shoes “Um your top button is undone, oh is that intentional? Sorry, just checking, thought you should know” from work!”  Hah!

And it’s weather for the win! Scoffers: there’s no consolation prize. You can gloat when it’s hot and sticky in a couple of month’s time. In the meantime, BOO YEAH!

My life at work (and other tragedies)

As a single Pakistani girl in my mid twenties, working in a typical (read male dominated) Pakistani organization, I feel I have acquired a level of patience I never believed possible. Usually, I’m not one for “male bashing” but drastic times call for.. well, an angsty post.

Here’s what you need to know about my workplace: I wasn’t kidding about male dominated. Ratio of men: women is approx 25:1. Anyway without further ado, introducing:

Specimen A: Mr. Bossmanyessirofcoursesir (henceforth referred to as Mr. B)

Aim in life: Have all the women in the department (grand total: 3) know what a total bitch his wife is, and score sympathy points.

Strategy:

Assign cryptic task

a) She rushes to your office to say wtf? Excellent, time to waste her time.

b) Not so much? Notch up the level of bullshit, and repeat until she does.

I feel for you Mrs. B. And hey, if you need an axe.. just saying.

Specimen B: Pimply Mc. Burpy

Usually, I wouldn’t make fun of anyone’s acne issues..except when that person is a 40 year old man who spits when he talks, scratches his face and beard, and worse, burps while talking to you. As a result though, I have mastered the art of fading into my happy place on demand. *Hmm, shoes*

Specimen C: Mr. Porno

If you think it’s unbelievable that a 28 year old guy reads Harlequin romances at work, prepare to be astounded. After I rejected his offer to forward me a copy of “How Mary became a woman” or some such mush, he proceeded to print all 300 pages, got them bound and magnanimously offered the book to me. I was too creeped out to think about complaining to an authority (which in my case is Mr.B. Joy.) All I wanted was for him to stop. A small miracle (or so I thought) later, he got moved way over to the other end of the hall. Then, however, much to my utter mortification, he walked all the way over to my desk and handed me a two page print out to the effect of:

Guy: I just can’t wait anymore. I must have you now.

Girl: My darling, we don’t have to wait any longer. We can finally be together. (Rip clothes, jump into bed.)

I’m not kidding. Maybe the exact words were different but the essence was exactly this. I did tell him this amounted to sexual harrassment, and I could get him into a lot of trouble for it but he just laughed and gave me the “you and your empty threats” look. Thankfully, though, he’s let me be for now.

I could go on and on, but they’re not all so bad. There’s also the guy who only (and always) sings 70’s Bollywood songs, the guy who eats oranges at his desk and touches your screen with sticky hands, the guy who changes into flip flops once he gets to work and leaves his socks and shoes lying around.. like I said, I could go on.

On the bright side though, at least it can’t get any worse! I hope..

Boys Better Beware (A few tips for the man about town)

Let’s face it; there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands.  So out of the sheer goodness of my heart here are some handy tips for every husband, boyfriend, or significant other:

1. When you see her for the first time that day, try getting the conversation off to a good start.

“Aren’t you dressed yet?” – you’re on dangerous grounds.

“Wow, you sure look good in brown!” – That’s a better bet.

“Wow, look at you!” – Definitely on the right track.

“Here’s my paycheck.” – Solid.

2. Gauge her mood. If the tips of her ears are red and her mouth is set in a thin line, you are going to need some masterful manipulation.

“What’re you so worked up about?” – Seriously, no.

“Honey are you okay?” – Better, but needs work.

Give her a hug and bring out that bar of chocolate you’ve stashed away for emergencies – Bringing out the big guns, never fails.

“Here’s my paycheck.” – Spot on.

3. When you come home from work:

“What did you do all day?” – Do not say it. Sounds like you’re suggesting she was at a spa getting a massage and a facial the whole time.

“I hope you didn’t over do it today.” – Not bad, but could be taken to mean she looks tired. Avoid!

“You look fantastic.” – That line never gets old.

“Here’s my paycheck.” – What can I say, it never fails.

4. After dinner and before heading to bed, your chances of after dinner action vs. watching an old re run on TV depend on how you behave before and during dinner.

“What’s for dinner?” – Might as well forget about it.

“Hey don’t bother, we can eat the leftover watchamacallit” – Not the best response in the book.

“Honey, lemme help you with dinner.” – Much better.

“Where would you like to go for dinner?” – You’re definitely getting some.

And of course, “Here’s my paycheck.” – You might even get the sexy lingerie tonight.

Mad World

You know it’s a mad world when:

– Beggars dance for you.. And expect a happy meal for their efforts.

Bunch of Afghan kids pester/entertain me every morning, each trying to be cuter (read more annoying) than the other. Here’s how one instance went:

Kid: Baji tum ne promise kiya tha tum hum ko McDonalds khilaye ga.. (“you promised you’d buy me McDonalds”)

Me: (since I’d promised him no such thing) Kyun bhai, ye kab howa? (“When did I say I would?”)

Kid: Acha hum tum ko dance ker ke dikhaye ga, phir tum hum ko khilaye ga? (“Okay, what if I dance for you, will you buy me McDonald’s then?”)

After which he proceeded to do a retarded, all out, crazy chicken dance, yelling a pushto song at the top of his lungs. Needless to say, I didn’t. If anything,  he needs to work on his moves.

Your kids talk in gibberish.

Mom: Beth Anne!

Beth Anne: W/u? (What’s up?)

Mom: Your cell phone bill is what’s up. All this texting!

Beth Anne: OMG! INBD! (Oh my God! It’s no big deal!)

Mom: It IS a big deal. who are you texting 50 times a day?

Beth Anne: Idk, my BFF Jill? (I don’t know, my best friend forever Jill?)

Mom: Tell your BFF Jill that I’m taking away your phone.

Beth Anne: TISNF! (This is so not fair!)

Mom: Me paying this bill, that’s what’s SNF!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nIUcRJX9-o

Idk, wtf? Peep this shit.. Like, totally.

– The couple on your left is 50, and the couple on your right is 14 (well, alomst). Oh, this is on Valentine’s day. At a karaoke bar.

So on your left it’s all about hip replacement surgeries. And your, right, well Bieber, obviously. Disconcerting, to say the least..

Your mom thinks “lol” stand for 101. Your dad has a facebook account, has proceeded to add your entire family, and begins every wall post with “Dear so and so, thanks for the comment, I really enjoyed hearing from you! Love, Uncle”

This is getting out of hand.